there is a mouse in my room. the fat little bastard chewed a hole in the good grey blanket from the Time Before. we brought it from australia. she asked if i wanted to take it when i moved out of our house during the mad, sad summer of 2018. it was so hot it seemed absurd but it took it and it comforted me in the winter when i was in the abyss. the mouse also made a hole in heart/mind/psyche/soul/spirit and a little piece of me fell out oh lord.

so : sad.

last night as i was rewatching the solitude of prime numbers unbeknownst to me, my bum (or my unconscious? perhaps its the same thing…) rang her. she sent a message to check and i texted an apology.

what was the other thing? perhaps it was how totally lost and bereft the character in the movie was. it was like she was about to lose the entirety of her self, as i’d lost my self, and then she was losing it — and i imagined you-know-who completely lost and bereft and losing her self because of me and all because of me, my stupidity, my ignorance and my short-sightedness.

i like the word ‘unbeknownst’.

Monday, 28 January 2019